conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
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