sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
