Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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