Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
