The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
