Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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