piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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