I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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