I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
