i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
