Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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