Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Please, let me fuck your mom
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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