he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
