Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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