The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
