Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
