I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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