Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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