You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
