We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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