The maid of honor just puked.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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