were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
