Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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