It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
