I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
