I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
