Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
