I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
