Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
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