I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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