Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
