I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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