the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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