Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
