I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
