Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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