I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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