i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
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i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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