I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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