when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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