I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
