I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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