Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
