whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
