just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
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I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
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I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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