Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
