Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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