you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
