I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Even my vagina gasped.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Randomize
