people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
