It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
