If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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