I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
