I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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