Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
