i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
