do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
