we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
