I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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