I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
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