Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
