my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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